Wow, long time no post. Re-reading what I wrote nearly a year ago (how crazy is that) was painful to get through. 15 year old me is something I'd like to forget about.. The reason I'm back here once again pouring my rant out to probably one or two sleep deprived souls who may come across this re-used page at 3am, is because of the not so mid-life, mid-life crisis I'm currently trying to weather. Also, over the Christmas break something personal made me re-think a few things and once again I felt I needed an outlet to vent to that wasn't pissing someone off in the process.
It's the 31st of December and the new year same bullshit is just around the corner. Next year may potentially one of the hardest of my life and here I am, a few hours away from midnight wondering what'll become of me in the not so distant future. Today I got my report card. Ah yes, the pinnacle of trepidation for every secondary/high school student. I never got the big deal, I knew what was expected and realistically what comments i'd receive. (Here comes the boring stuff...) As a pretty average student, I'm currently doing one ordinary level subject. However, I am an honours math(s) student and getting a bad grade in an algebra test was always something I brushed off. Now I'm a year and a half away from each Irish students death sentence.. The leaving certificate. That's the A levels or SAT's if anyone that far away managed to stumble across my unprecedented feelings. Truth be told, I'm terrified.
A few years back, some geniuses decided to bring in an extra 25 points in the leaving cert rewarded to each Irish student taking higher level maths. As response to that, points for courses all over the nation have been rapidly increasing year by year, including ones I may be considering. I always thought I could stick higher level, I mean all I needed to do was pass and I'd get the extra points, but as the subject continues to get harder and harder and I find myself falling behind more and more, I wonder if I can keep it up. So here I am, sitting at my desk, math books and notes sprawled everywhere and I just stop and I find that instead of forcing equations and theorems into my brain that make no sense to me, I want to express my thoughts to anyone who'll lend their ear but instead I turn to here.
I don't know what I want to do with my life, I never really did. I was envious of my fellow junior infant classmates, still clinging to their parents desperate to not be left amongst strangers going through the same thing on the first day. We were asked what we wanted to do/be when we grew up.. a daunting thing that seemed far beyond our young minds comprehension at that time. None the less, that didn't stop the future doctors, teachers, lawyers, even princesses from vocalising their hopes and dreams. Not me though, even from a child's perspective of the world, I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do. Here I am what, 11/12 years later facing the same dilemma, only now my decision will come into play sooner than I'd like. I change my mind daily and for each adjustment I make, in turn, the points I'll need increase. I'm just hoping I'll find a way to balance everything soon and maybe math will get easier although I don't see that happening anytime soon
It's unlikely anyone will read this and if anyone actually has I applaud you for staying awake through this pointless, off-topic post. I have a feeling I'll be posting(ranting) a lot more this coming year!
