Loneliness

I suppose I'm writing what I'm about to write because I'm sure as hell not going to say it verbally. If you knew me personally,  describing me as emotional would be far from top of the list of adjectives but that's far from the truth. Anything will make me cry. Pretty much anything. An advert on the tv could so much as make me a wreck for an hour. And here I am on the eve of my 17th birthday at 11:45pm and I'm crying because no matter how many people surround me all day.. I've never felt so alone. I've never dreaded a birthday so much. It's generally a festive time but all I want is to stay in my room  and have no human contact all day. I don't know where all this came from if I'm honest, this time last week I was in a hotel room in Paris with close friends having the time of my life and now those moments feel so foreign to me. Over this weekend I've felt every emotion there is.. Sadness and anger being the prominent ones. How can I be so angry at my parents and feel guilty when my words starts to resonate with them? This weekend also brought about some buried feelings with my brother and once again I chickened out and couldn't say everything I wanted to to him.. So I wrote it down, threw it al him just as he left and fled the scene. Why in the confines of my pitch black room am I such a tangled mess of feelings and emotion yet during the day I smile and I laugh and I make people laugh and I enjoy it.. Until I come home and once again I'm stuck and I'm alone... 

Happy fucking birthday to me 

4.am thoughts

(my apologies for all the cursing, just keep in mind it's how I like to express my feelings)
Here I am, nearing 4am once again, listening to lana del rey whilst in the good company of my purring cat and scrolling endlessly through those notoriously dangerous websites.. Celebrity gossip pages. Oh yes, I have entered the world where we, the occupants of this fucked universe, actually give a shit what the 'talented, rich and famous' do 24/7. Im very hypocritical here as I myself do take indulgence in checking particular web pages more often than i'd like to admit. Nonetheless, even I have a limited capacity for how much bullshit I can read and comprehend at a time.

Currently, the big story is Ariana Grande and her (not so beau), beau 'big' Sean (fucking stupid name) possibly ending their ever-so-perfect relationship. The world is in pieces at the mere possibility that a couple so in love and so worthy of being a 'relationship goal' to so many teens, could be heading for splitsville. Well quite frankly I'd find the history of toilets more news-worthy and intriguing than this heap of shite. ((see what I did there))

Apparently this rapper notorious for his not too perfect track record has been cheating on Ariana with an 'Instagram model' whatever the hell that is! You will find very few people who have as much of a disliking/disregard for Ariana as me, but even I sympathise with her in this dispute, if you can even call it that. However it seems the two are 'working through it' so all is well in the world.

So there it is, it's 4am and I'm wondering why there are so many oblivious, stupid and idiotic dipshits in the world. Why do people cheat? Why do people take people who cheat back? Why do people outside of a relationship have any influence on the decision the couple come to? Why do people outside of the relationship even give two shits?? .. That's the real question.

I think that's enough useless crap to fill your brain with for a while.. Good night(/morning)