I suppose I'm writing what I'm about to write because I'm sure as hell not going to say it verbally. If you knew me personally, describing me as emotional would be far from top of the list of adjectives but that's far from the truth. Anything will make me cry. Pretty much anything. An advert on the tv could so much as make me a wreck for an hour. And here I am on the eve of my 17th birthday at 11:45pm and I'm crying because no matter how many people surround me all day.. I've never felt so alone. I've never dreaded a birthday so much. It's generally a festive time but all I want is to stay in my room and have no human contact all day. I don't know where all this came from if I'm honest, this time last week I was in a hotel room in Paris with close friends having the time of my life and now those moments feel so foreign to me. Over this weekend I've felt every emotion there is.. Sadness and anger being the prominent ones. How can I be so angry at my parents and feel guilty when my words starts to resonate with them? This weekend also brought about some buried feelings with my brother and once again I chickened out and couldn't say everything I wanted to to him.. So I wrote it down, threw it al him just as he left and fled the scene. Why in the confines of my pitch black room am I such a tangled mess of feelings and emotion yet during the day I smile and I laugh and I make people laugh and I enjoy it.. Until I come home and once again I'm stuck and I'm alone...
Happy fucking birthday to me
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